to strive, to seek, to find.

When you get those rare moments of clarity, those flashes when the universe makes sense, you try desperately to hold on to them. They are the life boats for the darker times, when the vastness of it all, the incomprehensible nature of life is completely illusive. So the question becomes, or should have been all a long... What would you do if you knew you only had one day, or one week, or one month to live. What life boat would you grab on to? What secret would you tell? What band would you see? What person would you declare your love to? What wish would you fulfil? What exotic locale would you fly to for coffee? What book would you write?

An open letter to the internet.

This blog has changed a lot from what I expected it to be when I started it. Granted, I haven't been posting things for long, but back at the beginning I envisioned this to be used as an extension of my shop, sharks keep moving, and to showcase what I was doing or what inspired me. It's rolled into more of, and I don't like this expression, a "lifestyle blog", which is fine, but I feel like I need to put some things out there because lately I am noticing that a lot of people expect to be transported into a land without worry when they look at someone's personal life, and that is not who I am or what my life is.

First, let me say this: I am passionate. I am driven by my goals and what lies in my heart. I don't believe in giving up without a fight, if you have to give up at all. Since I was 12 years old, I have been battling something, more often than not it has revolved around being in a hospital, and this has hardened me, humbled me, and made me reconsider what is important and crucial in my life. On the flip side of this, I come from a place where I did not receive a particularly stellar support network throughout my initial growing period, which makes me weary of personality types and sometimes people in general. I have very, very bad post traumatic stress disorder, which has lead to 15+ years of struggling through depression and anxiety. Thankfully I have a number of individuals who have shown me how much good exists in the human realm, and I am slowly but surely evolving my emotions. Depression is an extremely complex and scary crisis that gets a terrible wrap because it is miscommunicated and made fun of, and I often find myself reading people's blogs who claim they are only willing to see the "positive side of things", which is great, but I feel that is doing a disservice to people with a genuine and troublesome medical condition. I am a realist. I take pride in my rational thinking and my ability to make good judgements. But I am human, and if I want or need to express myself as I am, sad or lonely or nostalgic or happy, I will do so, and I don't care if that doesn't paint a beautiful picture of shuffling around my home on cold Oregon days, drawing to my heart's content while pretending like bad things don't happen to good people.

There has been a surprising amount of traffic coming to my blog, I have no idea how people find it or how much they read, but I want to say this to those of you who do:
I will only ever be truthful with you. This is my place to share myself, so you will not get a sugar coated reality. I am lucky to experience wonderful things, go to amazing places that I save up to visit, and take photos to share on my blog. I am also going to share how I feel, because I need somewhere to put it, when for so long I was on my own with my emotions and thoughts. These feelings will be a mixture of good and bad, happy and sad, complex and blunt. If that makes people uncomfortable, I urge you to strongly look inside of yourself and evaluate what it means for someone to be genuinely open to a group of complete strangers. We, all of us, need a support network, someone who understands. If anyone finds they can relate to the highs and lows of my life, that is wonderful. This blog is here for me to write as much as it is for you, the reader, to experience.

All I can hope for is that my truth and passion builds a stronger sense of camaraderie amongst strangers (and we don't have to be strangers, I am nice, feel free to say hello) while getting to know myself better, while showcasing the things that make me smile, while sharing my pictures, as well as my hopes and dreams and loves.

October 19

I've been in bed with the flu for about a week, and my body is stiff and sick of laying around! This morning at 5am, despite my body saying "no!", I cast Matt off into the world again for another exciting adventure, he's headed east for a while. I haven't been able to fall asleep since, so in my jealous ways, I began looking up beautiful travel videos, or rather, lifestyle videos that aren't from America. Even though this one is an ad, I am completely in love with everything happening here, the bicycles, the confused cop, eating on top of a roof you're not supposed to. It sincerely makes me miss Helsinki and that magical feeling of being young and free.



It is possibly my curse for always being sentimental, but speaking with my sister the other day made me remember more travel is in my future, maybe Cambodia with a dear friend from France, or Guatemala! We'd be well off there as I speak Spanish! There is a very tropical allure calling from Cambodia though. And now that I mentioned the idea, my sister is set on taking a trip to Iceland together, which I will never, ever say no to. It's those little hopes that make watching videos like the Evertale one so exciting.

October 13

I really love collecting illustrations from my friends & certain illustrators I've discovered thanks to Etsy, but when it comes to big things to hang on the walls, I prefer photography. Luckily I know some incredibly talented photographers, one of them being one of my favorite people on earth, and so I have amassed a nice collection of large things hanging around the house. I'm finding in myself that I am more interested in photographs that possess a dreamy quality, mostly landscapes and seascapes, since my heart and mind are always venturing somewhere far away from where I am.
A while ago I found Debbie Carlos's website via, yet again, Etsy, and became somewhat enchanted by how blunt her images are. I purchased her Great Land postcard set a couple weeks ago to get my hands on an affordable bit of her art that I can also share with friends. The more I look at her giant cloud and fog posters though, the more drawn to them I am.


Mountain Fog


Pink Clouds

I believe Anabela & Geoff who create Fieldguided put it best recently by calling photos like this "milky pix." I don't think my aesthetic quite falls into milky, but I describe them to my friends as dreamy and ethereal.


Clouds

Now I wish it wasn't rainy and blustery outside, because I want to climb to the top of Vista House in the Gorge and take some photos!

October 5

It is no big secret that I am a complete sap. Behind the put-together exterior I exude lies a very nostalgic, hopelessly romantic girl who is generally caught up in a world far away. I'm coming down with some flu symptoms which has meant watching period dramas or romcoms late into the evening even though I should be sleeping. Romcoms are dangerous territory for me: the hopeless romantic meets the person they waited so patiently to cross paths with after trial and tribulation, generally in a beautiful, lush landscape or town the size of a penny. All that drippy sap makes me think about the last time a place made me swell, northerly and across the pond above the Baltic Sea.

October 2

I'm pretty excited to have finally finished illustrating a vast amount of constellations in our skies - I like things to be precise, so it took a bit to get the proper proportions, but it was worth it.

You can find them in the shop.

September 30

I'm not feeling very well tonight, so instead of being proactive about finishing up some illustrations or taking product photos, I sat around drooling at things on Etsy that I want to buy, or have recently bought and am impatiently awaiting the arrival of.

La Bolsita bag by Scout & Catalogue


Oxford flats by golden ponies
(which I may or may not have ordered a pair of in brown)


Brass triangle necklace by little mountain


Autumn Wreath perfume by Long Winter Farm
(I ordered 7 - yes, 7 - different perfume trials and cannot wait to try them all out! How can you resist apple, cedar, fir, and pie spices rolled into one!?)


Great Lands postcard set by Debbie Carlos
(also on its way to my door...)

Soo, actually the only thing in this group that I don't/won't own is that S&C bag. Hmmmmmm... and to touch more on the Long Winter Farm fragrances, omg seriously listen to a couple of the combinations!
• Hansel: wood, pine sap, and sweet spices
• Meadow: lilac, honeysuckle, new mown hay, grass, honey, and a tiny bit of wild strawberry
If Hansel smells like my grandpa's woodworking shop I am going to lose my shit. I will be so happy. Sawdust is one of my favorite smells.